Archives

May 3 - 10, 1995

BRADLEY, THERE'S THIS GUY I LIKE BUT HE HAS A BAD REP. HE SWEET TO ME AND MY PARENTS LIKE HIM HE'S 20 AND I'M 16 WHAT SHOULD I DO I THINK HE JUST WANTS TO BE FRIENDS BUT HE'S REALLY GOOD LOOKING HOW CAN I STOP LIKEING HIM AND JUST BE HIS FRIEND?

Kristina, I happen to be an expert on this matter. I fall madly in love with women and they only want to be friends. The more madly in love I fall, the more they want to be just friends. Mathematically speaking, the attraction is inversely proportional.

How can you stop liking him and still be friends? That's the tricky part. What I would do is take a picture of his head and paste it onto a picture of a preying mantis. Imagine being married to that for 40 years. Good luck.

That's gross! Kristina, honey, don't listen to him. Here's what I do. I close my eyes and imagine the two of us, arm in arm. Then I imagine that we are separate. I put me on one side and him on the other side. Then I see energy field bonds that I have created, that attach me to him like an umbilical cord. I cut the cord. I imagine that we are both separate, independent, beautiful people. I create a bubble around him and imagine he is smiling peacefully. We are both smiling peacefully, and we float away from each other. Then I open my eyes and I feel much better.

How do I deal with my petty and mean boss? I'm actively looking for another job, but there's a lot of competition out there.
What do you think of voodoo dolls, maybe sacrificing a chicken in his office when he wasn't looking? With a name like Drizzle, I know you're someone I can trust.

Dear Richard,
Self-employment isn't for everybody. But I want to warn any children who are reading this: Never play with voodoo doll finger puppets.

Where/how do you chat with people on the internet? (Any good chat sites?)

Dear Ithica
Personally I prefer to visit people in person, but that's easy for me because I can magically appear wherever I want to. So I passed this question on to Bradley, our computer expert. Bradley tells me to tell you to see the IRC Information page for much information. Best of luck to you!

How do you find a tax shelter? I've been driving around for weeks and I never see one. Are they underground or something?

Yes, they are underground. Take the nearest loophole. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Seriously, Andrew, I think you need a private consultation. But not with me.

What is the meaning of life?

I'm not sure but it has something to do with mocha espressos.

Paul Gray (pagray@mindspring.com) asks Ruth

How fast, is fast?

What am I, a scientist? Advice, I can give. Ask me about being married, for example. Marty has always been too fast. But as a plumber, too slow. That maybe doesn't help you.

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