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November 23, 1995

There's this girl at school whom I don't know from a bar of soap, and all of a sudden, she's being a real bee-with-an-itch. I think maybe it's because I went out with her ex-boyfriend, after she broke up with him about a year ago (she broke up with him because her mom didn't like him). Help!!

I've noticed that sometimes women get all bent out of shape when someone new takes up with their ex-lovers. I guess men do it too. I don't get it. Ex is Ex, not "XOX". One can only assume these people are still attached and haven't learned to let go.

The only thing you can do about it is remember that it's not your problem.

Hold on! You guys mean to tell me we're just going to start answering questions again — like nothin' ever happened -- after abandoning this poor site since Halloween? Ignoring dozens of questions?

Give me a break, Alphonzo. Like I didn't see you coming in and writing a column.

Nobody asked me a question.

I hope you know why that is!

My friends, my friends. We have many advice questions remaining to be answered. Holidays are stressful for everyone, but let us move forward.

Bradley adds:

Well, I think he's right. We owe our readers — if not an apology — at least some feeble excuses.

Good idea. I can't think of any, though.

We had to do the laundry.

We don't get paid for this, you know.

Really? I was wondering when the check was coming...

I had just finished washing my truck in preparation for a big date the next day when my bastard roommate turned the water hose back on and made like he was going to squirt my truck. Naturally, I grabbed it out of his hands and drenched him with water. He seemed to get the hint that he shouldn't mess with a man's truck, but later that afternoon he snuck out and squirted my truck, leaving water spots all over it. Now I need REVENGE! Please help me devise a practical joke that will teach him a lesson he won't soon forget. I don't want to physically hurt the rat-bastard, but I sure wouldn't mind damaging his ego! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Did that bad man squirt water on your truck?

Are you really old enough to drive?

No offense, Roberto, but you sound like a real jerk.

So your roommate only "made like he was going to" squirt your truck. Maybe he was just yanking your chain by faking you out. So he's an idiot. But you retaliate by drenching the fool. You set the precedent, Roberto. Then he retaliated to your retaliation.

C'mon, massage those brain cells. What do you think will happen if you retaliate again?

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